theres nothing wrong with her

evening_train @ 2009-11-04T12:33:00

2009-11-04T17:34:26Z

http://www.traumaatsp.org/default.aspx

home sweet home.
i wish i never left.

evening_train @ 2009-07-07T17:23:00

2009-07-07T21:25:01Z

i'm not even close to who i used to be.

i want out.

evening_train @ 2009-04-10T11:56:00

2009-04-10T15:55:58Z

http://www.scrantontimes.com/articles/2009/04/10/news/sc_times_trib.20090410.a.pg1.tt10accident_s1.2436156_top5.txt

evening_train @ 2009-02-22T02:34:00

2009-02-22T07:35:21Z

i love sleep
my life has a tendency
to fall apart when i'm awake.

- e. hemingway

evening_train @ 2009-02-18T00:38:00

2009-02-18T05:40:08Z

i got pulled over on the pennsylvania turnpike
i had to eat a roach
thank god for grape flavored dutches.

evening_train @ 2008-12-28T20:08:00

2008-12-29T01:09:08Z

everything that happens is from now on.
this is pouring rain.
this is paralyzed.

whatever could it be
that has brought me to this loss?

-bon iver.

evening_train @ 2008-12-07T11:34:00

2008-12-07T16:44:49Z

i honestly cannot differentiate my days anymore from all the drugs and alcohol. i forget everything. it's the xanax which i don't even really like. pain killers are harder to find but they're my favorite. so i settle because even if i don't really like how those pills make me feel, they make me feel different than when i'm sober and that's all i want. just a break.

my mother wants to divorce my father but for some reason he's still living here and we all walk around the house in silence when we all know we should be throwing dishes at each other or crying our eyes out. it's so awkward so i'm home almost never. my dad thinks i hate him. there are no tears in me these days. i feel emotionally numb for the first time in my life.
i snitched on my own father. for good reason but still. the guilt.
it's killing me.

someone stole 200 dollars from me.
or i lost it. i guess that's possible.
but i've been hanging around with shady people.
but that's what i mean. i couldn't even remember who i was with the other night or where.
not even the other night. for the past month. i have to find out from other people what i do. it's never been this bad before.

but i don't care. i don't care about what i'm doing to my body. let it die.
get me the fuck out of this.

evening_train @ 2008-11-22T22:07:00

2008-11-23T03:10:40Z

my life is a mess
and i've made it this way.

this isn't how it was supposed to be.

evening_train @ 2008-11-22T03:17:00

2008-11-22T08:20:46Z

8 mg xanax
four vodka crans
one free one
3.4 grams piff

i don't think mi i mind this lifestyle.l
except i'm poor
and i don't know how i will feel
when i cna't afford it anymore.

i hope it's not at that point.
what do you do?

evening_train @ 2008-11-18T03:48:00

2008-11-18T08:50:28Z

two blunts
2000 mg vicodin
three vodka cranberries

happy birthday.

evening_train @ 2008-08-13T11:27:00

2008-08-13T15:31:21Z

spring ended up being cruel after all. everything about it turned out to be wrong. i was wrong.
this is the way i'm going to die, never feeling anything else.
and how do i let this go? her. i'm waiting for things to change but in my heart, i know they never will - the way i want them to.

evening_train @ 2008-06-13T12:21:00

2008-06-13T16:29:00Z

2000 miles or how much can we really expect out of cell towers

i.
you are so far away
that my voice is an echo.
my words bounce off
satellites and canyon walls
before they are hurled back at me.

ii.
sometimes we overlap;
our sentences covering one another
like mylar.
we peel our conversations apart.
see our fingerprints.

iii.
you say this distance is good for us.
we don't argue anymore
but how could we?
our insults would only
fire back; say a certain word
and a minefield explodes.

iv.
when you don't hear me
i hear myself twice.

i miss you.
i miss you.

evening_train @ 2008-05-06T21:43:00

2008-05-07T01:52:14Z

i sat with my dog in a sun shower today. we have a white magnolia tree in our backyard. i never noticed it before.
i'm noticing everything.
things aren't so bad anymore. i'm trying not to let them be. i started playing the piano again. reading poetry again. i'm remembering my dreams for the first time in my life. i don't know if that means something.
a bunch of us are going on tour this august. we're going to places where people talk differently and there's salt in the air. we will become household names and give out cd's that, if nothing more, can serve as coasters for strong whiskey drinks. i'm going to start making stories worth remembering when i'm old. this is the beginning.
spring has been good to me so far.

evening_train @ 2008-04-23T18:03:00

2008-04-23T22:12:13Z

"the essence of life is brilliant, dazzling. i cannot explain such miracles, yet i embody them daily. though i cannot remember my birth and shall forget my death, i live in the midst of wonder." - egyptian book of the dead.

synchronous activity is more prevalent these days. they happen at every turn and i cannot help but think it all must mean something. i had a dream where i was told that i can no longer just see things, i need to look out from within them; i can no longer just touch the surface, but sink inside of it and hearing is not enough - i must create the music i long to hear and wrap it around myself. my mind is limitless. ever since i met her.
the answers i've been looking for are pouring out of me. they've been inside me all along.

i'm not losing my mind. i promise you.

evening_train @ 2008-04-14T15:09:00

2008-04-14T19:10:42Z

i tripped so hard friday night and, even if just for a few hours, everything made sense.
i was infinite being.

i need some meaning in my life.

evening_train @ 2008-01-06T22:34:00

2008-01-07T03:35:50Z

get rid of death. celebrate increase. make it be spring.
- m. atwood

evening_train @ 2007-12-20T21:52:00

2007-12-21T03:12:02Z

this might sound silly
but i have been thinking a lot about the end of the world
it preoccupies me. if all i have is the next four years
what is the use in doing anything?
what will it matter, after all of this
how determinedly i fought
who is going to remember
how hard i tried.
i don't want to believe that it's all been for nothing

my sister is wearing an engagement ring
how can someone so ugly flash a promise of forever on her finger
when all i have to show for myself are battle scars.
i am damaged goods
thanks to her &
i imagine myself alone forever. one worn side of the bed,
one toothbrush, one pair of shoes by the door.
i thought i deserved more than this.
something better
finally.

i miss my friends

abandoned as i feel i still
have managed to abandon myself.

evening_train @ 2007-12-16T20:39:00

2007-12-17T01:42:09Z

how do things so quickly fall apart?
it's hopeless.
i am.

school was a good distraction.

how have i accomplished so little in the two decades of my life?

that's all i think about
& how am i supposed to fix it
& what would it really change
if i could?

evening_train @ 2007-11-09T17:20:00

2007-11-09T21:24:41Z

it's snowing
next week i'll be twenty.

i'm not ready for winter
or growing up

evening_train @ 2007-10-31T15:36:00

2007-10-31T19:40:15Z

half of me is wondering how i can say goodbye to her again.
the other half knows that i said goodbye to her last summer
& i've been talking to a stranger ever since may.

she's moving back west on my birthday.
& then it will be winter.
this might be my worst season ever.

on another note:
don't save the lives of people you don't know.
they tend to cling to you
when you're the only thing they have.
& how can i not be sympathetic?

evening_train @ 2007-10-19T18:01:00

2007-10-19T22:07:21Z

i can honestly say that i impress myself. it's a lonely time. everyone that matters the most seems to be the farthest away and usually this would get me down or into some kind of blind binge but i almost have my shit together. instead of feeling sorry for myself on a friday night, i'm working overtime and then going home to start on some things for school.

i feel like i'm almost back to the person i used to be. it's just been so many years, i can't really be sure.

evening_train @ 2007-08-18T17:56:00

2007-08-18T21:58:19Z

have i ever loved you? yes, before there was reason, and still later, when there was none, even though, as it turned out, the best thing about us was the person i would have become had you been as i had cast you.
- your niece's speech night: elliot perlman

evening_train @ 2007-08-17T12:00:00

2007-08-17T16:03:48Z

i'm not into breaking hearts but i'm into saving mine

i feel like calling it quits.

evening_train @ 2007-06-17T23:23:00

2007-06-18T03:42:38Z

the radio leads a feel good revolution

cigarettes & my closest friends

tell myself i have to remember this

i have to remember this

evening_train @ 2007-06-01T15:59:00

2007-06-01T20:26:57Z

i don't know why i don't ever update this thing anymore - i guess because i'm so sick of reading the same thing over & over again. i guess i'm sick of being stuck in the same place for so long.
even this is a repeat. of a repeat. of a repeat. how many times before have i said this exact same thing?

it was six months ago when i wrote about alyssa visiting, sniffing up coke like it was the last day of my life. now i'm sitting at the preface of my summer with her moving back for good, losing weight & color & i can't blame it on the cold or saying goodbye to my best friend this time. i'm staring addiction right in the face & i'm out of excuses.

looking back, there are so many things that i wish i wrote down because i have already started to forget them which i will blame on too much marijuana. deep down i know that the past two years of my life would be an empty page whether or not i wrote anything down.